


The Silmarillion But Everything's Kind Of Okay

by JazTheBard



Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fix-It, Gen, Humor, bullet point fic, sticking as close to canon as possible considering the premise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:48:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23390452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JazTheBard/pseuds/JazTheBard
Summary: What if everyone in the Silmarillion made slightly better decisions and didn't hate each other so much? Probably this.Featuring: Feanor, who just Keeps Bursting Into Flame!Sauron, who somehow hasn't noticed the giant "Welcome to Gondolin" sign!Thingol, who actually has not changed from canon at all!and many more!Just a little bullet point fic in which I attempt to retell the Silm as close to canon as possible but not sad!
Comments: 45
Kudos: 189





	The Silmarillion But Everything's Kind Of Okay

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is something i wrote for fun because i just want my characters to be sort of happy for once (i say as i plan an angsty reembodiment fic)
> 
> but i figured i'd share it :)
> 
> silm is my current special interest so you can probably expect more fic from me in the future!

  * Miriel, Finwë, and Indis are all happily married to each other
  * Fëanor loves his moms and dad and his siblings
  * Miriel still gets depression (rip) and it's difficult for the family when she leaves, but they pull through together, and she sends them letters while she's in therapy in Lórien
  * Since Fëanor is actually kind of well-adjusted, he doesn't pull a sword and doesn't get exiled 
    * His whole family is with him at the party when the Trees get destroyed
  * The Valar ask him for the silmarils 
    * "Listen I get it but I'm pretty sure I put some of my actual soul in those? I'm not sure what would happen if you destroyed them all. I'll give you one if you promise to be careful"
  * When Morgoth robs Fëanor's house, nobody's there and no one dies
  * Upon finding out about the theft, Fëanor goes right back to the Valar to tell then of the change of plans 
    * "I meant it when I said you could have one but they're uhhh gone, so I gotta go mess up Morgoth real quick and get them back" and the Valar are like "Go ahead I guess"
  * Pretty much the rest of the house of Finwë is down to help out, but Finwë himself is staying behind to lead his people who aren't leaving
  * "Hey Teleri can we borrow your ships real quick we gotta go mess up Morgoth for destroying the Trees and stuff" "Go ahead, punch him for me lol"
  * Nobody has to cross the ice
  * Fëanor probably still gets killed by balrogs but he gets reborn pretty fast and comes right back to middle earth 
    * Actually this is a running gag, he gets killed in increasingly stupid ways and Namo looks more and more disappointed in him as he rushes back to Beleriand with a bag lunch from his parents. He bursts into flames every time he dies.
  * While he's gone Maedhros still gets captured but Fingon gets him back in five minutes and flips off Sauron as they leave
  * The building of cities proceeds as canon except everyone at least kind of gets along
  * Fëanor meets dwarves and it goes Really Well 
    * Like Aulë made these funky little dudes, and he loves Aulë! And they do crafts!
    * He owns an "I ❤ Dwarves" t-shirt, as do Caranthir and Celebrimbor
    * Maedhros wants one but they don't make it in his size :(
  * Literally everybody knows where Gondolin is, hottest vacation destination in Beleriand
  * The whole thing w the humans also happens as per canon pretty much
  * Caranthir meets Eol because it turns out they're bros with the same dwarves, and Eol is less of a jerk because the Noldor and Sindar aren't at each other's throats bc there wasn't a kinslaying
  * Eventually he meets Aredhel and they have a brief fling. They decide to share custody of their son Maeglin, who grows up feeling loved and accepted even though he travels around a lot with one parent or another
  * Fingolfin still fistfights Morgoth after the Bragollach, his parents give him a bag lunch as he leaves Mandos and Fëanor high-fives him when he gets back
  * All of the elves are treating death as a revolving door
  * However, the Valar realized that hey, humans have boats. So, in an attempt to keep humans out of the undying lands and preemptively stop the akallabeth, they accidentally bar elves from crossing over to Aman as well 
    * Whoops
  * Meanwhile in Doriath:
  * Beren and Luthien fall in love. When Thingol demands a silmaril, they know just who to go to for help 
    * Luthien and Beren: So we're planning a heist, you in?
    * Finrod, Curufin, and Celegorm: Do you even need to ask
  * It's honestly Exactly like the tv show leverage except Huan is there
  * They steal invites to Angband's biggest party of the year (Morgoth & Sauron's wedding anniversary), wear some snappy outfits (by orc standards anyway) and successfully steal a silmaril
  * Celegorm DOES wear a crop top and it DOES look great on him, unfortunately nobody who would appreciate it is there aside from, like, Sauron
  * Unfortunately Sauron catches on so they're only able to get one silmaril, but Luthien T-poses to assert her dominance and he ends up giving her the keys to both OG Minas Tirith and his car
  * Finrod writes a diss track about Sauron when they get back safely
  * No oaths were sworn re: the accursed rock, but Luthien & Beren don't want to keep it. They'll give it back to the Fëanorians after they're married
  * But Thingol doesn't intend to give it back 
    * Finrod gives the nauglamir as a wedding present, and Thingol pulls the same bs with the dwarves and gets murdered earlier than canon
    * Beren dies trying to stop the fight and Luthien gets him back by astral projecting into Mandos.
  * Doriath doesn't get destroyed though, the Dwarf Bros (Caranthir and Eol) are once again the voice of reason, and manage to make everyone stop
  * Thingol returns and Fëanor challenges him to a one-on-one fight for the silmaril 
    * Thingol dies, again
    * Fëanor also
  * Technically that was kinslaying but y'know both of them were being *really* annoying and they did agree to the death match, so maybe it was justified, and they consented so it's fine. The Valar decide to keep them in Mandos for a bit as time-out.
  * Maedhros, who is in charge until dad gets back, decides that Beren and Luthien should be able to keep the stupid rock. The important thing is Morgoth doesn't have it.
  * Melian still freaked out and dropped her magic when Thingol died, so Doriath is vulnerable. The Noldor try to help defend it, but they're planning a full-scale attack on Morgoth, and for some reason people have been coming back a lot slower?
  * When Fëanor and Thingol get back, wearing their get-along shirt, they tell everybody why: 
    * Remember how the Valar accidentally barred everybody from Valinor?
    * The Teleri who've been ferrying the reborn to Beleriand can't get back, so they're facing a ship (and sailor) shortage over there
  * The Nirnaeth happens :( 
    * Miraculously, none of the humans die except for the ones who deserve it (looking at you Ulfang)
    * Why? Because I Said So
  * People are still slow to come back so everybody's stretched thin
  * Fingon however is an icon and returns and rescues Hurin, and after some wacky hijinks in and around Dor-Lomin, reunites him with his family
  * Meanwhile in Doriath:
  * Beren and Luthien die of old age, Thingol went on vacation far to the south so he could go to the beach, Dior's in charge
  * Turin is there, and still at least kinda cursed, but nobody says rude things about his mom because Dior won't stand for anti-human sentiment 
    * Since he doesn't kill Saeros and run away from Doriath, pretty much everything bad that happens to and around him is prevented
    * Hurin, Morwen, and Nienor move to Doriath and they're a family again :)
  * Meanwhile in Gondolin:
  * Maeglin is visiting!
  * Tuor delivers the warning to Turgon, who ignores him
  * Maeglin initiates Tuor into the Lords of Gondolin Overdramatic Poetry Club, whose existence is strongly implied in canon by the personalities of, well, everyone
  * Idril marries Tuor and they have Eärendil. Maeglin spoils him rotten wherever he's in town.
  * Maeglin gets kidnapped while traveling by Sauron, who does some magic that ends up w/ him knowing where Sondolin is (mind reading? compulsion to return immediately so he can be followed? Just Straight Up Torture? who knows?) 
    * Because Sauron is too dumb to notice Gondolin's thriving tourism industry and the constant streams of visitors
  * When he gets back he's like "hey I think Sauron did some magic and knows where we are. We should get out" 
    * Tuor's kinda miffed that everybody listens to that warning but not his
  * They get out though
  * The dragons & balrogs show up to an empty city and decide to attack Doriath instead, y'know, while we're out of the house, it'd be a shame to come all this way for nothing, i polished my armor all special, 
    * Doriath gets uhhh destroyed
    * However, our Balrog Slaying Lads stopped by for a social call after leaving Gondolin, and manage to do some damage
  * Elured and Elurin flee west, Elwing goes south to the Havens w/ the silmaril, Dior dies and decides to take a nice break from being alive. He’s worn out from his 3 tiny kids.
  * Elured and Elurin start taking turns putting on a bad wig and calling themselves Gil-Galad
  * Eärendil and Elwing meet and get married and have kids as in canon
  * And he's trying to find a way across the sea so the reembodied elves can come back as reinforcements, bc Morgoth is very much winning
  * A good number of elves, including a bunch of Fëanorians, are in Sirion
  * While Eärendil's out, Morgoth decides he wants his shiny rock back 
    * Elwing, thinking her sons are dead, jumps off a cliff as a final screw you to Sauron, and Ulmo saves her
    * Maedhros and Maglor manage to get Elrond and Elros to safety and end up raising them
  * Actually at this point pretty much every elf has done that with one or more children while the kid's parents were out of the picture. 
    * Listen I will get my found family no matter what contrived bs I have to put into this AU
    * Every child in Beleriand, elf or not, has a huge complicated web of familial ties due to having So Many Parents
  * Elwing and Eärendil make it across because shiny rock magic and tell the Valar what's up
  * The Valar lift the ban and start workshopping a new one that'll only ban humans or smth, but the voyage is still Real Confusing as a lingering effect of the magic 
    * Eärendil has to make a bunch of trips across the sea, wearing the silmaril, to guide the Teleri on the eastern shore back to aman
    * Once someone's made it they can usually make it again but might need guidance
    * The Valar decide that's inefficient and put him in the sky so he can help everybody at once
  * Everybody goes back to Beleriand (it takes a while though, there's a lot of dead dudes) 
    * And they punch Morgoth real good
  * Beleriand still gets destroyed
  * They get the other 2 silmarils back and Fëanor gives one to the Valar like he said he would
  * Yavanna remakes the trees but the sun and moon were a huge hit so they keep those around, it gives Tilion something to do
  * There's no longer anything stopping an elf from just visiting parents in Aman and then just returning to Middle-Earth, so a lot of elves pick a place to live and vacation on the other shore
  * The elves who stay in Middle-Earth have to go east because Beleriand is a lost cause and sinking fast, and they meet the Silvans and other Avari 
    * Silvans: We heard, like, a Lot of explosions, what was that about?
    * Everyone else: We were fighting Morgoth with the help of the Valar
    * Silvans: I don't know who Any of those people are. Would you like to meet our trees
    * Oropher in particular: I Would Love To
  * And the final silmaril, back in Tirion, sits decorating Nerdanel's coppery hair



**Author's Note:**

> i hope you liked it!
> 
> please leave a comment or kudos if so, i can't express how much they mean to me
> 
> and maybe check out my multichapter fic, Not Icarus But Klytie, about a daring sea captain and a woman in love with a mechanical sun :)
> 
> In light of recent events: I do not consent to my own original ideas that appear in my fics being used without permission or without credit. If you are able to pick up ideas from my fic then you are certainly able to ask me for permission, and if you are going to publish, credit is REQUIRED.
> 
> This includes names such as elenyafinwë, aþelairë, and almatáru, as well as a number of other details and ideas that appear in my works.
> 
> If you are going to use my ideas for fic that excludes LGBTQ+ characters, for reasons religious or other, I do not give you permission to use them, even with credit.


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